Dear Me

 Dear Journal,

                It has been already a month since I made the downpayment on my gold and today is the day I will pay for it as a whole, then it would be delivered to me in a week. It's quite expensive considering my situation being as a student only. It's not smart of me to not live below my means, and so this coming summer I will do my best to actually not spend a dime. Also I will be going home, back to my province. I am excited because we only go back after a few years, it's been 3 years since my last visit I was in my summer before freshman year. A lot.. has happened and I am thankful for the experience and just make positive out of it. I want to relearn myself and get that new perspective for this coming year, since it's going to be board exam after that. I need to have a strong mind, body, and soul for that. Good thing is I already know what to do in my early 20s. I had it all planned out in my diary, well yeah I have two diaries.  Only 2 more weeks then it's already summer and hence senior year. I want to romanticize life again. 

                Lately, I have come to respect myself more by not caring enough on people's thoughts and just focus on my health. Ever since I started just doing shit that I want or comfortable with, everything suddenly seems chill. Right now I'm kind of over-stimulated since I'm about to pay for the gold, which is only around 17k. I feel a little lethargic due to the meds I just took but regardless upbeat. 

                My plans after school would be take the board exam then after that I will be applying for a paralegal program at UP. While being in the program I'll also be having to take the english proficiency exam so that I could work part-time English tutor internationally. After getting my certificates for both, I will be applying for a public or private hospital for 6months only, and after that I might do something else. It actually depends if I would pursue both as a nurse and an online practitioner as a paralegal professional and teacher for all ages. I want to also gain new skills like making jewelries, like be a part-time silversmith. I want to be diverse and live the most while saving 70% of my money. I want to be able to work abroad and gain more stability while having already 1M pesos in my bank account or let my parents borrow, even though I'm quite skeptical on that part. 

                   I want to afford my own home preferably a land or maybe a penthouse? Any of them would be very fine with me. Being independent is my permanent goal, while romanticizing my life. I think I'd choose a countryside home so that my land would be quite big, enough to fulfill my hopes. Also speaking of hopes, lately I have been infatuated with jewelries right now I have 2 carat ruby ring, opal ring, and a pink small tourmaline ring all in silver inlaid, and my other gold ones are 3.8g heart necklace, 4.2g bracelet, 1gram earring, and a 2gram ring. Others are big donut green jade necklace in black rope, pearls, and rose quartz.  

Early bug

 Dear Journal,

                Hey so I'm back, today's topic would be retail jewelry heist. After being reeled in from those times of having a must have to get them, which one would be willingly barter something that's more valuable. This raises that quote of another man's trash is another man's treasure. Realistically speaking we've all been there once or twice for the experience or to get that movie scene vibes. Lately, I too have willy nilly scoured the internet to get the bargain prices for good quality stones (or gems they call them for exclusivity), silver, gold, and pearls, it has been an absolute fun to get that experience to even offer a price point when before all I did was watch from a T.V perspective or magazines when I was that yee tall. But now, I want to stop since things are getting out of hand. I need to have money when I need it. At the end of the day its just stuff we'll leave behind when we've become nothing but ashes somewhere under the soil or rustling wind with the leaves stuff and gets stuck under someone else's eyes. What really matters to me are leather bags with velvet touch, pearl watch (with leather or gold strap), blinding or retro heels (those where you can hike with I would beg for, which I usually never do casually iykyk), 18k gold accessories with intricate details those that are unique pieces only!, soft good quality dresses (preferably flowery or black lace ones, but no to cleavage slip), and good house finds (NO to minimalist, yes to antique victorian or coquette, also agree to fairy aesthetic), good aesthetic old book finds (like those vibes from bella in beauty and the beast books yk), and bedazzled laptop or phone (we giving y2k vibes all times), good quality affordable makeup and skincare (brief summary i mean we already know this). 

So aside from those materialistic needs, of course we need that good music taste specially the retro. Good energy attracts abundance that I know for sure. Anyway the topic is already further away from the point so I just better insert my update, well after buying like ungodly amount (because normally I don't spend) my pocket is officially empty now. Now to put entry to my mantra "I am wealthy in mind, heart, and soul, I attract good luck in this life", I know a bit far fetch or corny if I do say so myself. I always dreamt of typing here in the blog ever since I was that yee tall, I thought I would be immediately identified and be grounded and stuff but apparently here we are now. 

I'm so excited to finish this term and be in my senior college year next semester then graduation after that is the board exam era! Let's go! Until then.

May log

 Dear Journal,

                Hey how's it going? so far mine is somewhat well. I have been faithful to my needs, but I need to balance it out. Anyway, I have been feeling uneasy, like I feel sad at the same time I'm feeling extreme emotions, I don't know precisely what's going on. But, one thing for sure reading manhwa fantasy romance isn't for me anymore, it's dangerous since it enables me to daydream and over-romanticize my life and takes me further into the rabbit hole. 

                Realistically, I don't usually feel emotion unless it's to over romance everything around me. Or about worrying everything else ahaha. I need energy not from me but from someone else, it's easier. I'm feeling like my old self no more of this new persona that's taking over my life. So, moving on I bought a new gold bracelet its 18k and 4.2 grams, cute blush, carnelian stone bracelet, opal stone ring with silver inlaid , two summer dresses (black and baby blue) so that's all. Well reading this now, it's actually not that much? I'm usually not used to buying this much? usually it's twice to 5th buy for the whole year, also of course I didn't just buy for myself. I bought him a silver chain with moissanite cross for lucky charm, a 20000 mAh powerbank, 9000 mAh jisu life fan, and sweet good foods with souvenirs from my trip. 

               It's not that bad, I just have to work harder for my splurge with purpose right? I mean those are all a need. Anyway I just wish his attitude would change, I noticed that he is changing and I somewhat do not like it. I'm just not gonna delve into it, too stressful.

               Update, my studies are doing really well. That's why I wanted to reward myself so much because if not then who will? And so moving on, the next update would be about my new found concept of ambitions? My goal is after I graduate in nursing school, I take my board exams and then I apply for the paralegal program from an IVY league university in the philippines, then take my NCLEX. After all those I apply for a dermatologist nurse slash legal work. Then after gaining my experiences I will apply for abroad maybe in UAE, or just somewhere with a lot of benefits. I plan to achieve more and gain valuable experiences. I want to be someone my future child/ren will aspire to be, someone who is independent and successful in their own terms. We can do this!

Great summer

 

Dear Journal,

I'm a neutral person

 

Dear Journal,

            Hey I just got back from hospital duty, I'm a nursing student in my juniors. Lately it dawned me that I have to be somewhat an outgoing loud person to match their frequency, but realistically I hate speaking much I just do my thing. Socializing is a sport for me they harnessed life force, so I'd rather not. I want to do more and just speak more on what is important only, without speaking on my personal life since we do not invest in people. Frankly speaking ever since I was 4 or 5 I already stayed away from talking to any kids and just older people where I can be curious on life lesson and such, I think there's an old person in me I just want to rest eat tea and speak on the news or trend lately casually, no need for excess expression just smile and mild laugh. Ugh I hate pretending, I'll try to simmer down my attitude!

Seethed anger

 

Dear Journal,

                Been a while, now I have done a lot of retrospection and I realized a couple of things. First my mind is very critical and I have to learn to mediate the balance to stay sane, that is my case. I never knew how to be normal, I had to shape shift to act and look normal, yet I feel like an alien playing human. I also have so much anger and disgust but I have to go above and beyond to actually love myself. I was always on the verge of killing myself because of the noise in my head, it was like I'm never enough for myself. I was so busy in my own world ever since I offered and tried to be normal, maybe I was just too different. Then again maybe I'm just hurting because I never felt being loved by my parents, they were too caught up in their world the never ending fights and arguments the shouting I would hear when I wake up. I never heard the word love from them, now being an adult it left me impaired on the thought it makes me disgust instead. I feel a lot of emotion but it only drops down to fear, anger, and disgust with no in between. From now on I will work on the meaning and extent of self love. I will not let the voices run me over again, I will fight everyday. Quote of the day "we will remember what we choose by Liz Murray"

What am I?

 

Dear Journal,

                Hi there, I have been pondering for a long while now. I noticed that every person are their own version right? but how did they become who they are like are there any particular steps to follow? Me I still can't find my own rhythm like which is my aesthetic or sense of humor you know? I just can't put my finger into it because sometimes I find myself belittling myself, that everything I lack actually is my fault. As much as I want to I would refrain from asking so much questions and such flow with whatever. Here are the things I like, disliked, and pet peeve so far,

I love: food, affordable clothes, beautiful view, soft pillows and bed, my dogs, fantasizing about my future house, fashion from Middle Ages and peasants, 

I hate: distasteful taste in food or music, fake people even though I am one, expensive and bad quality things, judging eyes even I do that too, social media (I uninstalled almost all my access to forms of media), stagnant mindset, being in-short, unplanned outing, unchivalrous promise, being massaged or touched, hugs or greet kiss, generally all people

PET PEEVE: cringe jokes, ugly people with ugly personalities, moaning sounds when people liked the food, 

Here's the thing why I have more hate and pet peeve is because I only appreciate good things in life alone. I hate people so much but on the flip side I like being around them and be a spectator. I am a contradicting human I know, this is why I can't peace in who am I really? I think this started when I lost myself for people to get their approval or for them to like me. Now I literally despised the idea of me before. The truth here is I despised myself for no reason at all, it was just an implanted thought from when I was young but now that I'm a little aware I made an inkling effort to stray away from that thought. I binge eat when I'm anxious or stressed subconsciously. I want to now imagine my model that will inspire me to be my own person so maybe I have to create that thought from scratch and mix-match it together in my Pinterest account. 

I hate feeling emotions outside of my realm that's my reality. One thing I know since I found out just a while ago, I am a nonchalant person with lost thoughts. Basically to put it short I am scared to be just one when I can be everything in my mind like in my head I have so much personalities and I hate showing emotion to people, it makes me feel icky. Well this is getting a bit long so for now, toodles till next time will bring good news!