What am I?

 

Dear Journal,

                Hi there, I have been pondering for a long while now. I noticed that every person are their own version right? but how did they become who they are like are there any particular steps to follow? Me I still can't find my own rhythm like which is my aesthetic or sense of humor you know? I just can't put my finger into it because sometimes I find myself belittling myself, that everything I lack actually is my fault. As much as I want to I would refrain from asking so much questions and such flow with whatever. Here are the things I like, disliked, and pet peeve so far,

I love: food, affordable clothes, beautiful view, soft pillows and bed, my dogs, fantasizing about my future house, fashion from Middle Ages and peasants, 

I hate: distasteful taste in food or music, fake people even though I am one, expensive and bad quality things, judging eyes even I do that too, social media (I uninstalled almost all my access to forms of media), stagnant mindset, being in-short, unplanned outing, unchivalrous promise, being massaged or touched, hugs or greet kiss, generally all people

PET PEEVE: cringe jokes, ugly people with ugly personalities, moaning sounds when people liked the food, 

Here's the thing why I have more hate and pet peeve is because I only appreciate good things in life alone. I hate people so much but on the flip side I like being around them and be a spectator. I am a contradicting human I know, this is why I can't peace in who am I really? I think this started when I lost myself for people to get their approval or for them to like me. Now I literally despised the idea of me before. The truth here is I despised myself for no reason at all, it was just an implanted thought from when I was young but now that I'm a little aware I made an inkling effort to stray away from that thought. I binge eat when I'm anxious or stressed subconsciously. I want to now imagine my model that will inspire me to be my own person so maybe I have to create that thought from scratch and mix-match it together in my Pinterest account. 

I hate feeling emotions outside of my realm that's my reality. One thing I know since I found out just a while ago, I am a nonchalant person with lost thoughts. Basically to put it short I am scared to be just one when I can be everything in my mind like in my head I have so much personalities and I hate showing emotion to people, it makes me feel icky. Well this is getting a bit long so for now, toodles till next time will bring good news!