Seethed anger

 

Dear Journal,

                Been a while, now I have done a lot of retrospection and I realized a couple of things. First my mind is very critical and I have to learn to mediate the balance to stay sane, that is my case. I never knew how to be normal, I had to shape shift to act and look normal, yet I feel like an alien playing human. I also have so much anger and disgust but I have to go above and beyond to actually love myself. I was always on the verge of killing myself because of the noise in my head, it was like I'm never enough for myself. I was so busy in my own world ever since I offered and tried to be normal, maybe I was just too different. Then again maybe I'm just hurting because I never felt being loved by my parents, they were too caught up in their world the never ending fights and arguments the shouting I would hear when I wake up. I never heard the word love from them, now being an adult it left me impaired on the thought it makes me disgust instead. I feel a lot of emotion but it only drops down to fear, anger, and disgust with no in between. From now on I will work on the meaning and extent of self love. I will not let the voices run me over again, I will fight everyday. Quote of the day "we will remember what we choose by Liz Murray"

What am I?

 

Dear Journal,

                Hi there, I have been pondering for a long while now. I noticed that every person are their own version right? but how did they become who they are like are there any particular steps to follow? Me I still can't find my own rhythm like which is my aesthetic or sense of humor you know? I just can't put my finger into it because sometimes I find myself belittling myself, that everything I lack actually is my fault. As much as I want to I would refrain from asking so much questions and such flow with whatever. Here are the things I like, disliked, and pet peeve so far,

I love: food, affordable clothes, beautiful view, soft pillows and bed, my dogs, fantasizing about my future house, fashion from Middle Ages and peasants, 

I hate: distasteful taste in food or music, fake people even though I am one, expensive and bad quality things, judging eyes even I do that too, social media (I uninstalled almost all my access to forms of media), stagnant mindset, being in-short, unplanned outing, unchivalrous promise, being massaged or touched, hugs or greet kiss, generally all people

PET PEEVE: cringe jokes, ugly people with ugly personalities, moaning sounds when people liked the food, 

Here's the thing why I have more hate and pet peeve is because I only appreciate good things in life alone. I hate people so much but on the flip side I like being around them and be a spectator. I am a contradicting human I know, this is why I can't peace in who am I really? I think this started when I lost myself for people to get their approval or for them to like me. Now I literally despised the idea of me before. The truth here is I despised myself for no reason at all, it was just an implanted thought from when I was young but now that I'm a little aware I made an inkling effort to stray away from that thought. I binge eat when I'm anxious or stressed subconsciously. I want to now imagine my model that will inspire me to be my own person so maybe I have to create that thought from scratch and mix-match it together in my Pinterest account. 

I hate feeling emotions outside of my realm that's my reality. One thing I know since I found out just a while ago, I am a nonchalant person with lost thoughts. Basically to put it short I am scared to be just one when I can be everything in my mind like in my head I have so much personalities and I hate showing emotion to people, it makes me feel icky. Well this is getting a bit long so for now, toodles till next time will bring good news! 

Consumerism Capitalist

 

Dear Journal,

                Good day, I realized as I was scrolling consistently to shopping apps I found myself yet again on the edge of the sword where I mindlessly follow the consumer capital. I persistently maintained no social media, I know it's cruel but it did wonders for my mental health since I didn't really need to feel bad about my life cause everyone apparently is having the time of their lives while I'm rotting on the media app envying them and being more depressed since I was told that my life is mundane and lifeless compared to theirs. So ever since I acted on being off the grid I found more of myself and less about someone else's life that seems insignificant to me now, because I don't even know them and for them likewise so why should anyone else matter? When I started focusing on myself and making others' input as an regardless thought I had less care for people's looks outside and even more on the idea of different class in the society, I enjoyed more and felt more grounded on that so I wanna make a stronghold of it. 

                Continuing on, I think I have autism. It's just if I don't hyper focus on something like to an obsession degree I find myself yet again lifeless with no purpose, my emotional levels seems to range from extremes and no in-between. I find it hard to maintain balance in everything, alast practice makes perfect. Also lately I have been planning to work out well I actually have been doing it but inconsistently, trying to be healthy and not obsessed over food or shopping or anything. Be balanced be like a boat in a serene endless sea. You are wonderful and you can do anything if you pour your heart into it! I guarantee that. Toodles!

Stoicism is it?

 

Dear Journal,

        Lately I had pondered countless times on the significance of curiosity and caring about what others will think of me. And so with a sudden epiphany under a tree with sun beaming through my eyes and wind passing by with the thoughts I once had, and as I looked at the corner of the bush and the dogs I was with I took a deep breath and looked at the sky suddenly something heavy came off my chest. When I just stopped looking who passed by or what they were doing or if they were looking at me and such and so I continued walking the dogs and did not looked back. I focused on my view with the greens ahead of me and with a sudden movement on my peripheral view I noticed someone coming over but, I did not take a peep back and just looked ahead until it came over and in front of me it was a granny with her umbrella. The old lady seemed serene and it felt new to me that I also felt the same way in that moment and did not look anywhere else but focused on my errand and went home, it felt so energizing about not caring about people's lives nevertheless their eyes on me. I never knew that once I thought curiosity and interest that once were the highlight of my life was greatly hindering of me of what really was in front of me, that I imagined countless encounters that is quite frankly delusions. With this level of mindfulness I take it with a bitter spoon full and gobble it up and make my thoughts enriched over this new encountered lesson.